A Second Engagement

I remember when Chris asked me to marry him. So many plans, so many lists, so many thoughts. I had to call the caterer (yeah Danny's BBQ), the flower people, the band, the guests, the preacher (also named Danny), the dress shops. We had to address invites and stuff envelops and pick music and choose vows and figure out who was going to sit where. All this while I was trying to manage nursing school and church and friends and family too. Needless to say, I had a lot on my plate.

Despite the chaos, the one thing I remember thinking over and over was, "I just want to get married." Even a few months before the wedding, I remember being over the dress and flowers and place settings and menu. That was fun stuff and it made our wedding pretty freaking cool, but I didn't need those things to get married. Hey baby lets go to Vegas became my personal theme song. Not because I hated wedding planning...that wasn't it at all. I just wanted to be married and not have to wait another day. Unfortunately I had to wait 4 months. God was gracious and helped me not convince Chris that elopement was a viable options, but it required lots of prayer and petition.

Of course, it was worth the wait, and all the planning that went into the wedding made it the most special day for us ever. I wouldn't trade it for the world...

But now I find myself in a similar situation--a second engagement, if you will. Don't worry, Chris and I are doing great and I don't want to remarry him or anyone else. But that same anticipation I felt during our engagement has resurfaced--in the form of wanting to be a mom.

Now this has not always been my desire. In fact, Chris and I talked endlessly before we got married about kids because I didn't really want them. Even after our wedding, I still was unsure. I liked my life--I had a good job, finally, and a good husband, finally. Those desires of my heart were met (thank you Jesus). Why should some little being come and ruin those things, interrupting my nice life?

Thankfully, my heart changed, almost overnight. The Lord convicted me of my selfishness, and opened my eyes to the opportunity of bringing a child into this world and raising them to know Him and to experience the great things He has done here. Chris was relieved, that's for sure, and my excitement about feeling this way only added to the desire.

The problem lies in my 2 year contract with the hospital. While I love my job, I don't want to have to work full time with a baby. Chris reminds me of this regularly as I try to convince him that we could make it work, really we could, so lets start trying now. He gently tells me to trust God and be patient...that now isn't the time, just like when we were engaged. We could have gotten married right away, but the months the went into preparations only added to our experience entering into marriage.

I hope that the time between now and when we start trying to have babies will, also, only add to the experience. But for those of you who are praying people, please pray for me. Its just as hard to hear that my friends are having babies as it was to hear they were getting married when I was single. Pray for patience and for wisdom. We would so appreciate it.