The Future

In college, the first time around, I was a psych major (or a major psycho, depending on who you ask). As a psych major, I took a series of personality tests that were supposed to reveal things about me and my brain, which they did. Some things varied from test to test, but one thing remained consistent--I like decisions to be made. I am a "J", if you ask Myers-Briggs. J people do not like things hanging over their heads, they like decisive answers, and they like them now. Rarely do we spend lots of time researching one option or the other.

Also according to Myers-Briggs, I am an NF, which means I make decisions based on intuition and feeling. This, combined the the J, often makes for emotional, quick decision making. Sometimes I make the right decision, sometimes not.

As a Christian, I have had to learn to pray about things--not always easy for an NFJ personality. Usually I find myself praying that I've made the right decision instead of what decision to actually make. More recently, thanks to a great deal of grace and a husband who mulls over decisions and researches options into the ground, the Lord has been teaching me to slow it down, relax, and wait on answers.

It makes me want to pull my hair out.

This is especially true for what lies ahead for Chris and I, namely in the area of future missions. Our church (www.summitchurch.cc) has an incredible sending program for missionaries through the International Mission Board (IMB). We have 3 main church plants and are opening 3 more in the next few years. Since Chris and I are committed to our church, we also feel committed to serving at one of these 6 places, despite the IMB having missionaries in just about every country out there.

But now we have to choose where and when. We have to decide which place fits our skills, personalities, and passion. We have to figure out where the God we worship wants to use us.

We don't know right now, and again, it makes me want to pull my hair out, what little is left.

Really, we could be used in any of the 6--we are adaptable, "marketable" people with a passion to see others walking with Jesus. Chris wants to be involved in counseling and discipleship and training other people up to do the same. I want to be in the lives of women, using nursing, and also making disciples.

Where will these passions lead? What will we do? How will it all happen? Who will we go with?

All these questions, and right now, very few answers.

But thankfully, we serve a God who knows the answers. It makes me think of when God asks Ezekiel some hard questions and he answers "I don't know God, but you do." I feel like him pretty often. Maybe, like Ezekiel, the Lord will use us to raise up an army of dry bones who can go to more places and touch more people's lives than the two of us are able to do on our own. Maybe He'll use us to raise up just a few. I don't know, but He does, right?

So for now, we wait for our answers. We wait and pray, and I try to not pull my hair out.

Kristi Winters Walker

This morning, a woman that I went to high school with, Kristi Walker, passed away from complications with breast cancer. She left behind her three young boys (one an infant), and a loving husband.

Kristi loved Jesus deeply and trusted in His salvation for her hope, and now that hope is realized, to her joy despite the sorrow felt by the countless people who were praying for her and her family.

Please pray for the Walker/Winters family for they have lost a wife, a mother, and a daughter. Also, praise God for the many lives that He touched through Kristi's journey. She was a light in the dark.

2 steps behind

Newlyweds are notoriously poor, with hand me down furniture, second hand books, and a huge flat screen TV that was an unexpected and welcomed wedding gift, despite the fact that it sits on a small TV stand from some sweet Craigslist deal.

Chris and I started with very little. He had just finished school and was working full time at the church only 5 months before we got married, and I was still in school, not starting work until Sept of 08. We found a small 2 bedroom apartment in central Durham to rent, drove old, somewhat rickety cars, shopped at Target for clothes, and tried to not eat at expensive places (thankfully Tokyo Express is pretty cheap b/c we're addicted). We have no debt, unless you count the 2 years of work I owe to UNC for paying for school, but that's not monetary and I love my job.

Currently, we both bring home a pay check, and we're saving some and trying to spend wisely. Sometimes we go a little over our budget, like at Christmas, but not very often. We actually have more money now than either of us has had as adults. What recession?

Our pastor, J.D. challenged the congregation a few weeks ago to live two steps behind our income bracket in order to be able to give more for the sake of people in need and ultimately for the sake of the gospel. Dang...two steps behind?

When I compare two steps behind to the girls that I work with (who I consider in my income bracket), that means no new car, no buying a house, not much going out to eat, not a lot of new clothes, definitely not new clothes from the mall unless they are on huge sale, no needless trips...just not much at all.

Chris and I already live pretty simply and sparsely...what more can we give up?

That is our prayer right now. What more can we give up? There has to be more. We still have plenty to eat and to wear and a house that works, most of the time. We're not struggling.

Its part of the challenge to believe...to believe that God wants to do great things in this world...to believe that money is not where our security lies...to believe that He will provide in the future as we give in the present...to believe that I don't need designer jeans to be a normal girl.

Through this whole process I've seen how much I count on money for comfort. Not material comforts but emotional comfort...knowing that whatever comes up, we can handle it financially. Where is faith in thinking like this? Where is trust? What am I really believing in?

This story is not over...not even close.

Ballykissangel

Rarely do I find a TV show addictive. The Office is one for sure...Arrested Development and Seinfeld too. All American, all comedies, all about quirky (and sometimes downright crazy) people. I think its the shows about weird, funny people that draw me in. Sure, I like drama too...The Closer for example. Full of drama, but also full of goofballs that make me laugh.

Maybe that's why I've been totally sucked into a new "old" show. I mean, I can't stop. Its like cake or skittles--just one more bite. PLEASE! Actually, its probably more like coffee--not as unhealthy as cake or skittles, but even more addictive. Like, every morning addictive. Oddly enough, I generally only drink coffee on days I work, and I generally only watch this show on days I'm off.

What show has so enthralled me that I'm now blogging about it? What show has commanded an hour, at least, of my day the past 4 days? What show combines the allure of drama with the lightheartedness of silly characters for non stop entertainment? I hoped you would ask.

Ballykissangel. Yes, you read that right. Ballykissangel.

Its from the 90s, its set in Ireland, and its about a priest. Have I tempted your fancy yet? If not, I'll continue...

Its about a big city British priest, Father Clifford, who moves rural Ireland as the curate, and rushes headlong into the lives of his parishioners. One's always trying to get rich, one's a coward police officer who thinks he's supposed to be a priest b/c a statue of St. John almost fell on him, one's a feisty girl who's desperate to get married, one's a vet who sometimes drinks too much and wakes up surrounded by sheep, and one's a hot single girl who is mad at God and the church.

Oh the drama! Oh the humor! Oh the accents!

BallyK (as the locals call it) used to come on PBS, but now I've only found it online on Netflix.

So, if you are in the mood for some good British humor and lovely characters, give Ballykissangel a try. You won't be a bit sorry you did.

Cheers!

Running tips

I ran through Durham this morning, and after 5 miles with 4 to go, I needed something to occupy my mind. Having logged several thousand miles of open road, I've learned a few things about this sport/activity/pastime that are both informative and kind of fun. So, I began to think about tips I could share about running--things every runner needs to know and maybe some non-runners might even find helpful. Here we go...

1. Running with a buddy is usually more fun than running alone.
2. Snot rockets are a necessity.
3. When running, your brain and your bowels are your worst enemy.
4. Gas station attendants generally don't mind you using the bathroom. Just don't say, "Thanks and I'm sorry" on your way out.
5. Always have your sunglasses handy, except at night, but you shouldn't really run at night, especially in Durham, unless you are with a running buddy who can kick butt.
6. Beware of uneven pavement.
7. If you find yourself falling, tuck and roll like Jennifer Garner in every episode of Alias and come up shooting...I mean running.
8. Always choose the longer route. You can do it.
9. Running in the city is usually more fun than running in the country.
10. New shoes are a great motivation.
11. Never trust a dog--in a car, on a leash, or even a toy poodle named "Sweetie".
12. Homeless people usually say hi back.
13. Keep your ears warm at all cost.
14. Hills are your best friend, even though they sometimes rear up and smack you in the face.
15. Running when its 18 degrees and feels like 8 degrees is possible, but every step hurts.
16. Its too cold to run when snot freezes to your face.
17. Its too hot to run when you are sweating before you've left the house.
18. Drink lots of water, even in winter.
19. Drink lots of coffee (that's a tip for everyone), after your run is over (not great health advice, but coffee is so good and you deserve a reward!).
20. Running can be a social event, but you know its a good run if you can't talk most of the time.
21. Passing your favorite restaurants on route is also great motivation.
22. Powershots are way more fun that Gu.
23. Laying down after your run feels awesome.
24. Laying down during your run is usually a bad sign.
25. Having a working knowledge of traffic patterns, stoplights, and the "right of way" is a necessity for navigating any route that's not your treadmill.
26. Drivers are scary, and sometimes don't look right when they are turning right. Keep your head up and eyes open. You are smarter than them!
27. If someone whistles or hollers at you, just give a little wave and continue down the road.
28. Saying hi to other runners will make their run better.
29. You don't need expensive running clothes to be a killer runner. You just need good shoes, and good socks, and good socks are cheap.
30. Say hi to cyclists too. We're in the same club, right?
31. The last mile of your run is more dangerous than the first so watch your step.
32. Very rarely can you find a flat run in NC--everything is either up or down so don't be fooled.
33. Wave to drivers who yield for you. That was nice of them.
34. Running in circles sucks...try the open road.
35. Start slow and work your way up. No one is a good runner at first.

So that's what I've got for now. Any other tips?

lunch today

The UNC School of Nursing Accelerated BSN Program is 14 months of classes, labs where we poke and stick mannequins, clinicals where we poke and stick patients, hours of cramming for exams, and even more hours crying to our classmates during our 10 and 30 minute breaks between classes and for lunch about how our lives were ending.

With only 28 people in my class, some really fun friendships formed amidst the hospital and labs and tears. And, with UNC Hospital's amazing loan program, 22 of the 28 new nurses are working at the hospital, so most everyone is still in the area.

Today I met up with one of those people for lunch, someone I had bonded with during our time on the Rehab unit at UNC in our first clinical. We helped each other with patient transfers, medication administration, and bedpans. She actually made all of those things fun, well, close to fun.

Now she actually works there, and we try to get together every so often to catch up. Without fail, nursing is the center of our conversation. That's what we know, and so that's what we discuss. There's always stories about crazy patients or scary situations that only another nurse can understand and relate to. She tells me her stories, and I share my own. Despite working on very different units with a very different patient population, our stories, without fail, make us laugh.

In this line of work, you have to laugh in order to make it, else you burn out. Taking things too seriously in nursing is a death sentence. Sharing your experiences, both successes and failures, as well as the ridiculous, with other nurses is therapy. People outside of healthcare will listen, but they don't really understand, or they get a little nauseated. I'm pretty sure the guy at the table next to us was gagging a little during lunch today.

But we have to get it out, and thankfully, the Lord as blessed me with several friends in the field to unload on and to laugh with. What a change from nursing school, where we were all on the verge of a nervous breakdown most of the time. Now we have lives and can be creative and have fun and chuckle at ourselves and our jobs.

I'm so glad that my friend met me for lunch today for said chuckling. I know she'd be there to listen if I needed to cry a little too, but today neither of us did. In fact, it was quite the opposite.

Husband

Growing up, I always wondered what it'd be like to be married. Would it be weird to live with a man who wasn't a family member? Would I really be able to pee in front of him? Would we be super romantic or more practical? Would we be social butterflies or home bodies? What TV shows would we watch together? What would we name our children? How would be serve the Lord together?

So many questions, and the answers are only found in actually walking out the day to day with the man I said "I do" to.

Having been married, now, for a whopping 9 months, I can say that I've found the answers to these, and many more, questions.

I can also say that, despite finding a number of answers, Chris, my sweet man, continues to surprise me, and I love it.

For example, on my way home from work tonight, he told me about all he learned today watching videos online about how the brain works, especially concerning sleep and learning. Apparently the 11 hours of sleep he got last night help him retain all the information he proceeded to relay to me about those videos.

And I loved it! I loved his fascination with these videos, and how he wanted to actually apply it to his life to improve things. I loved that he wanted me to watch them to and share in his fascination. I loved that he got aggravated when I wanted to work on this blog instead of watching.

Chris sometimes gets sucked into Wikipedia tornados, which turns into gold as he digs for little pockets of knowledge that he then share with me, so we're both learning about interesting, and sometimes ridiculous, things (see Winchester Mansion on Wikipedia).

So honey, thanks for sharing. Sorry I don't always listen, but please, keep talking.